In September I wrote about an up and coming assessment with a psychologist, Amanda. This was to enter the next phase of support in building a relationship with our youngest daughter, SB. We had a few sessions with Amanda. She is lovely, approachable and most importantly, understands attachment and the complexities surrounding it. However, despite the help and support, things were not getting any better at home.
For those that regularly read my blog, you will know from early on that my husband and I have struggled with adopting three children and not been able to build a bond with our youngest daughter. She, too, has not formed an attachment with us. Over the three years we have received intense support and things have improved, however, they have not improved enough and as a result we feel that SB is not receiving the emotional care that she needs. SB also has intense needs and being such a large family we were struggling to meet these on a daily basis. In hindsight, adopting three children was simply too much for us.
For the last two years we have discussed with the professional support around us the possibility of SB being better placed with carers who are able to give her the care and attention that she needs and deserves. The decision has been agonising to make and to be honest, I have often been too afraid to make it, for fear of what others may think and say and also that it may be the wrong choice. Being a Christian I was confused as to why God had allowed the girls to come and live with us, for it then to break down. Why would God allow such heartache, tears and sorrow? Over time and with the help of others including other Christian adopters who have dissolved (had an adoption breakdown) their adoptions, I have come to realise that often things don't make sense to us in the here and now. What is important is our hearts and attitudes towards God in the situation we are facing and then from that making the best decisions that are available to us at the time.
In January we both finally came to the decision that SB should move to a home with carers that could provide for her emotional needs as well as her physical ones. After three months of planning and meetings, SB has moved to her new home. It is still early days so the emotions and feelings around SB moving are raw and present for everyone involved.
Moving forward our hope is for SB to have all her needs met, for her to be loved and cared for so that she can grow and blossom. SB will continue to have contact with her siblings, friends and various family members.
We have been fortunate to have spoken to other adopters who have had to dissolve their adoptions due to various circumstances. Hearing their stories has provided us with guidance, strength and hope. My wish is that our journey and experiences can be used to help others who may find themselves in a similar situation to ourselves.
We appreciate that some will question how we could have made this decision, however we do believe that we have made it with our family's best interests at heart. Our plan is to take time to heal as a family and to take each day at a time. I hope to keep blogging as we parent our other children.
I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank those of you that have provided us with unconditional love and support both emotionally and practically. Even when you may have not agreed or understood our decisions you have still showed us kindness and love. For that we are forever grateful. x