I've been a little quiet on the blog recently, not because it's been quiet but just the opposite. I feel as though I am in a place where I can share some of what's been happening and where I am at now.
You may or may not know that I have been receiving counselling over the past few months. During this time I have not found the sessions to be massively helpful but it has helped me to see that the difficulties I am having are not just one sided. It is complex, layered and each element plays it's part. With the help of my Social Worker, husband and a friend who I am working closely with, I feel as though I have found the key I was looking for.
That key is forgiveness.
It is not an easy key to use and at times I would rather hold a grudge, sulk, throw a tantrum, walk away or just cry. But I am learning to let things go, pick my battles, forgive many times a day (some days) and to move on. I have learnt that forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice. I think for me that has been the hardest part, letting go of how I would like to respond and choosing forgiveness.
Another area I am addressing is to have faith in my parenting and my decisions. Okay, I'm going to get it wrong. I'm not saying I am, or can ever be, perfect. However, I am not stupid either. I know my children (some things still come as a surprise) and with a little guidance (Okay quite a lot of guidance) we are doing a good job. You only have to look at the girls to see that we can't be massively off track.
I still feel as though I have some way to go and I may even find myself in that place of unforgiveness and resentment again. But I feel as though as an individual and as a family we are making progress, building bonds and moving forward.