Thursday, 14 April 2016

Family Disruption...




In September I wrote about an up and coming assessment with a psychologist, Amanda. This was to enter the next phase of support in building a relationship with our youngest daughter, SB. We had a few sessions with Amanda. She is lovely, approachable and most importantly, understands attachment and the complexities surrounding it. However, despite the help and support, things were not getting any better at home.

For those that regularly read my blog, you will know from early on that my husband and I have struggled with adopting three children and not been able to build a bond with our youngest daughter. She, too, has not formed an attachment with us. Over the three years we have received intense support and things have improved, however, they have not improved enough and as a result we feel that SB is not receiving the emotional care that she needs. SB also has intense needs and being such a large family we were struggling to meet these on a daily basis. In hindsight, adopting three children was simply too much for us.

For the last two years we have discussed with the professional support around us the possibility of SB being better placed with carers who are able to give her the care and attention that she needs and deserves. The decision has been agonising to make and to be honest, I have often been too afraid to make it, for fear of what others may think and say and also that it may be the wrong choice. Being a Christian I was confused as to why God had allowed the girls to come and live with us, for it then to break down. Why would God allow such heartache, tears and sorrow? Over time and with the help of others including other Christian adopters who have dissolved (had an adoption breakdown) their adoptions, I have come to realise that often things don't make sense to us in the here and now. What is important is our hearts and attitudes towards God in the situation we are facing and then from that making the best decisions that are available to us at the time.

In January we both finally came to the decision that SB should move to a home with carers that could provide for her emotional needs as well as her physical ones. After three months of planning and meetings, SB has moved to her new home. It is still early days so the emotions and feelings around SB moving are raw and present for everyone involved.

Moving forward our hope is for SB to have all her needs met, for her to be loved and cared for so that she can grow and blossom. SB will continue to have contact with her siblings, friends and various family members.

We have been fortunate to have spoken to other adopters who have had to dissolve their adoptions due to various circumstances. Hearing their stories has provided us with guidance, strength and hope.  My wish is that our journey and experiences can be used to help others who may find themselves in a similar situation to ourselves.

We appreciate that some will question how we could have made this decision, however we do believe that we have made it with our family's best interests at heart. Our plan is to take time to heal as a family and to take each day at a time. I hope to keep blogging as we parent our other children.

I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank those of you that have provided us with unconditional love and support both emotionally and practically. Even when you may have not agreed or understood our decisions you have still showed us kindness and love. For that we are forever grateful. x




11 comments:

  1. Ahhh bless you. What a difficult time you must have been having. Can't even begin to imagine what you re ll going through. Didn't want to just read and leave though. My prayers are with all of you as you all adjust to this new phase in your journey. Hugs Caroline x

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    1. Hi Caroline, thank you very much for your comment. Means a lot to know you are thinking of us. x

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  2. Our adopted daughter is in foster care right now - originally intended as respite but looking likely to become permanent. Such a mix of feelings involved. Similar questions about why would God allow it to happen like that? It's been helpful to read your blog. Thank you.

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    1. Hi, thank you for taking the time to read my post and comment. There are indeed such a mix of feelings, it is not an easy thing to experience. Sorry to hear that you find yourself in a similar position. I hope that you are able to make the right choices for you all going forward. x

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  3. This is amazing and emotional Post i always Love to read your blog

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    1. Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog and to post. Your support means a lot.

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  4. I have read your blog for a while. I'm very glad to get an update on your progression as a family. I am sad to hear that your youngest has now be placed else where, I.do.understand the trauma that this will bring but I had to respond to this because coming from foster care myself I feel awfully sad for her, now to experience loss and separation again. I hope that you will encourage contact for her siblings. Very sad for this poor little girl. Adoption is forever. Would you so the same to.your birth son if your relationship wasn't perfect.? I don't think so. Adoption is not just for Christmas !

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    1. Hi Anonymous, thank you for taking the time to read my blog and commenting on this post.

      I am sorry that you feel so strongly about our situation. However, judging our situation would be like me saying 'sorry that you grew up in foster care, it must have been terrible'. Obviously I wouldn't make such an assumption as I don't know your personal experience or circumstances.

      Adoption is not, and should not, be forever if it is not in the best interest of the child.

      We made a very difficult and traumatic decision with the help and support of the professionals involved, to dissolve the adoption for our youngest. As you will be aware, when an adoption takes place, you inherit the past trauma and experiences that the child was exposed to with their birth parents. This is not the child's fault and not the adopter's fault. We did not enter into the process with a view to dissolve, and we, like you, shared the opinion that adoption is forever. However, having lived it for the last 3 plus years, we realise that this is a naive mentality to have.

      Herein lies the difference between taking on an adopted child/ children and raising a birth child. Our birth child did not have a past life that we know very little about. We know that we have a strong bond with him from day 1, something that was not achievable despite everyone's prolonged and best efforts with SB. Again, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the blog.

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    2. I hope that you support the children to remain in contact. I think your very clear that you loved her deeply and I did not want to offend you in my last message. Is there a possibility that she will get another opportunity to be adopted?

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    3. Thank you for your response. Your words did not offend, this is a sensitive issue and it stirs up thoughts and emotions for everyone. The girls are remaining in contact and the future plan is still uncertain, however the ideal would be for SB to be settled with a family that can provide for all her needs. I am sure I will update the blog as time unfolds.

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  5. Look forward to reading her next chapter

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